Thursday, August 18, 2011

I used to know her.......

So, here it is. Ryan and I have been together for 11 years. we have 2 kids. Kaylee and Jaxon. We live across the street from my big brother and big sister. My parents as well as Ryan's are less then 10 min away. Ryan has an awesome job that pays him well. I am able to stay home with our kids. The good life Right?? of course. however, life does something to you while you are not really paying attention. Somewhere in the midst of creating this beautiful life, I lost some of myself. Now don't misunderstand me. I am happy. I love Ryan , my kids etc... The weirdest thing happened though. I was outside watching my kids play on the slip and bleed. (oops slide:) for the 100 time this summer. and I thought" I miss me" What does that mean? I am right here I thought. I have along the way lost the part of me that makes me me I thought to myself. so, naturally I decided to talk to my husband about it. We were up late one night having one of those long talks about everything and nothing. MMM I love those nights :). anyway so here goes. " Hunny am I different??"" What? "he said. " Different. like not even a glimpse of who I once was?". To which he says "Of course not you're beautiful. ""Thank you :) "not what I asked. didn't really think you thought I was unattractive. (now I have that to think about) jk. He said "we are both different. we have to be,its been 11 years since we met" OK clearly I am on my own in this thought process. I am not really sure the answer that I was looking for from him. but, apparently that wasn't it. So a lot of changes have been happening in my life. for one.. I am going to put this fairly blunt. I was pregnant,now I am not. I hate it. I hate every thing about it. I want to try again . Ry does not. but, then there is another part of me that thinks. OK now you can get refocused on you. Find that spunky energetic size 8 chick who loved to try new things. and when you are blessed with the chance to have another child it will just happen. I realize that my thoughts are kinda scrambled today. but, such is my life. be patient with me while I untangle this knot. My goal is to remember me and include her in my current life. cause I don't want to say when I look in the mirror"I used to know her" I want to say " I am glad your back"

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